just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
