he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
