Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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