I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
