Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
