sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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