I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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