some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
