I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
