Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
