I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
