Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
