I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
