You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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