3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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