I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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