I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is Oprah even human
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
