Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Buhtt sex?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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