Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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