I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
