Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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