How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
