This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
