wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
