I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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