I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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