I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
