I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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