When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
