Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
