if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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