I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
