On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Porn is love you can see.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
