I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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