she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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