Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
