Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
