I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
