i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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