Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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