Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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