Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
