it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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