Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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