It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize