you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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