Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
