i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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