I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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