I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
