Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize