please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
