I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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